Crickets?

So I was on a roll this summer, completing my book and sharing a chapter of it every day, even while on a week-long work trip. I posted a podcast and YouTube episode for each day of June, give or take a day (or three) and I was so proud of myself for sticking to that self imposed commitment.

Then, I got home from my trip. The week long job of being ‘den momma’ for a teen life coaching retreat left me exhausted—physically, of course, but emotionally too. I napped and rested a lot on my first day back home, telling myself it would be okay to skip today’s chapter, I could catch up tomorrow.

The next day, I was even more tired and had so many things to do at home since I’d been out of town for a week. So, I told myself I’d record 3 chapters in one day, like I had earlier in the month. Then the days just kept on ticking by—one of which I actually managed to sit down and record and post one chapter, the rest I’ve just been in a tailspin mental loop and unable to sit down and focus on the plan I’d decided on at the beginning of June.

And long story short, it’s now the end of July and I’ve yet to post anything since that day with three chapters back to back.

So, naturally, my inner critic started yelling at me. All the BS I’ve heard my whole life, about how I never finish anything I start, I always make promises I don’t keep, I’ll never finish this project, I’ll just leave it undone like all the other things I’ve told myself I’d do through the years.

Only, I know none of that’s true. I’ve done enough work on myself to recognize fear in disguise. Fear, trying to keep my from making big changes. Fear, trying to keep me still and safe, without moving forward into a scary unknown future. Fear, threatening to undermine all of the work I’ve done up until this point.

And I’m not even mad at her. Honestly, she’s had so much experience driving this boat I’m on, taking the wheel and making adjustments here and there just to try to stay afloat. So when I’m in rough waters, and everything around me seems scary, why wouldn’t she try to pop up and keep me safe?

I’m not surprised she’s here, when the world is on fire like it is right now. Wars, hunger, violence, tragedy, heartache, they’re front and center in our social media and news feeds right now. When our safety or the safety of other humans is threatened, why wouldn’t it activate our own fears of losing our own safety?

So instead of allowing this fear to take over and do all the things it’s trying to do, I texted my friend/mentor/book doula and told her how I was feeling.

She shut it down pretty quickly, and I know she’s right. I WILL finish.

This book is such a passion project for me, but at the same time it’s such deep content to talk about leaving relationships and how toxic my own marriage was. As hard as it is to share, I’ll continue to do it because I KNOW after 23 years behind the chair that so many of us suffer silently in relationships like this. I know how much women shove down, ignore, and pretend everything’s alright to make their Instagram appear as if they’ve got it all together.

I’m here to remind you that if you make a promise or commitment to do something, and you realize you’re unable to do it, it’s okay to make a change. Realizing that sharing a chapter of my book a day was too much for me to commit to didn’t make me wrong, it’s just something I found out about myself. Just like marrying my first boyfriend at age 22 didn’t turn out to be something I could do either.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I’d left sooner, and I think that’s part of where this book was born within me. That curiosity of being able to get out before the damage was so intense, it’s what makes me want to share what I’ve learned with others so they don’t have to take the long, terrible road it took me. So maybe they get to answer that question in their lives of ‘what if’ sooner than I did…

If you’re still here, thanks for being a part of my journey. To follow along with the story, check out all of the ways you can listen/read/watch:

I’ll be posting the next chapters as I complete them, and whenever it suits me in the moment. Cause apparently that’s more of my vibe anyway! ❤️ 

As always, please pass this along to anyone who might resonate with my words, or even if you just like to share my behind the scenes tea 🙂 

Hit reply with any feedback or questions, I love hearing back from you every single time. I’m here if/when you need me!

Til next time, Love you mean it-

Mindy

P.S. If you’re on TikTok, come hang out with me there!